Those who say that it will be done “faster than you can say Jack Robinson” should not spend the time it takes to use said phrase, and rather simply assert that “it is done”. The necessary time interval is built directly into the phrase.

Other phrases “It will be done…”

“… faster than you can glance over your shoulder.”
“… faster than a pig in heat.”
“… faster than a wet noodle on a jelly slide.”
“… faster than you can say Mrs. Pennyfarthing, mistress of the Parlour, who makes the finest scones in the district when she does but as she’s been a trifle ill recently she hasn’t been baking as often which is quite a shame.” … if you need additional time.

It’s important to take stock of your idiom before you use it. You might look at a large person. They might be shady — not to be trusted. You might then say “I trust that person about as far as I could throw him.”

You’d be right. Were you to try to throw him, you would likely find it harder than it would be to throw a hard boiled egg.

Of a particularly dastardly hard boiled egg, you would not say “I trust that hard boiled egg about as far as I could throw it.”, because you might be able to launch it a considerable distance.

Another consideration is the actual distance that confers trust between thrower and throwee. If you only ever trust items that you can comfortably throw into the sun from where you stand, you may end up a distrustful person.

A quicky for today — check this note out that I got from the ACLU:

Dear Mark Angelillo,

In a few days, you will receive notice that your ACLU membership expires in May. I hope you’ll respond right away because the ACLU needs your renewed support TODAY.

I didn’t know the ACLU was in the business of predicting the future. In a few days, I’ll write a blog post about the ACLU writing to me.

I wish I had a picture of this one… There’s a poster on the NYC subway “Litter gets on the tracks and catches FIRE!” and the poster rambles on “and slows down your trip and makes you and others late and it’s really bad and we won’t like you and do you actually shake your mother’s hand with that littering hand of yours?”

For shame. I’m no litter fanatic. I’m a different kind of fanatic. I bring my recycling home from work because they don’t handle it properly at the building. (Reference my lunacy here.) Back to the point — what a whiny effing sign. I’ve seen people littering and so have you. Does the person who you noticed littering strike you as the kind that cares about making other people late for their appointments? I’m not even sure they know how to read. Perhaps the packaging of their delicious candy bar infuriates them with its letters and phrases to the point where it must be immediately jettisoned. Lest they do something rash. Or untoward. To a nearby person.

How would you like it if I came into your house and hung a sign that whined at you not to litter? I reckon you would not very much although you might be able to sell it for a few dollars if I made the sign with gold foil. I am unfortunately better known for my Sharpie based signwork.

The simple fact is, fire is totally awesome. If litter is the bringer of fire, man’s finest gift from the gods — litter must likewise be imbued with liberal quantities of Sweet, or at least a dash of Rad. Personally I don’t think it’s an effective sign. Perhaps you guessed. Hey MTA, I’m not going to litter anyway, but thanks for the funny sign. If you want an effective sign, how about “Litter gets on the tracks and then a swarm of ravenous locusts come and eat your legs unless you don’t have legs in which case think of something that you’d prefer not to lose and the locusts are gonna go after that.” And by the way MTA, if you’re listening, when you make a claim like that you have to enforce it.

EDIT: I had to go snooping for a photo. I’ll try to get one myself (not very hard mind you) but for now here’s a good one. I’ll host it here too in case there’s a mix up on the tubes.

1. If you could have your pick of the contents of an active volcano, what would your pick be?

a) Lava
b) Ash
c) Super-Heated Rock
d) Lava

2. Which president of the United States of America is sometimes credited with creating the word “OK”?

a) Rutherford B. Hayes
b) Millard Fillmore
c) Martin Van Buren
d) Calvin Coolidge

3. How many Internets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

a) Indeterminate
b) 11
c) Internets don’t screw in light bulbs
d) The correct answer

My mouth ran in front of me a bit last night. The upshot?

On Septa…
Me: And if you like the smell of urine — and you look like a person who likes the smell of urine — you might even try the Septa subway!
I apologized for that one, but still felt bad.

On hip jive…
Me: What’s down in Florida?
Her: A sister, an aunt…
Me: Okay, so family mostly.
Her2: And sun. And beaches.
Me: That’s slang for bitches, right?
Her2: No.

Facebook can be a fun toy.

I saw a flat tire from across the street and started playing with the zoom on my camera. I was trying to be serious, but really? This photo is extremely shaky.

On my second attempt, I nailed it.

Practice makes awful. In my defense I was juggling babies with my off-shooting hand.

The journey of a thousand words begins with a single post.